Wound of self-compassion Part I

Self-compassion requires the willingness and the capacity to acknowledge the experience of pain; to turn towards what is hurting within us, compassionately.

Women connecting by touching her chest and reaching out.

Self-compassion is a response towards experienced pain, suffering in all its possible dimensions. Emotional, mental, and physical pain that can be experienced in a wide range of expressions and intensities, experiences that we all share as being alive.

A woman connecting by touching her chest and reaching out.

There are many possibilities of ignoring, distracting, and navigating through painful experiences, informed by habits and/or intentional choices.

One response can be self-compassion, a willingness to meet oneself experiencing pain, distress, frustration, boredom, hopelessness, powerlessness, anger, sadness, isolation, grief …

Dr Kristin Neff (https://self-compassion.org/) and others have widely researched and publicised the benefits of compassion and self-compassion.

I like to emphasise here the wound of self-compassion, namely the inaccessibility to meet and connect with oneself compassionately.

The wounding can originate from past experiences; experiences that stem from our upbringing and the ability of our caregivers to be with and validate our pain.

Maybe the approach was to “make the pain go away” as quickly as possible; maybe a humorous, slightly belittling approach was the message, “It’s not so bad, is it?” Maybe the response tended to be ignorance or dismissal or actually overt criticism: “What is wrong with you? Everyone else manages.”

One or several of those possibilities might have been your experience over years or just occasionally.

The ability to connect with one’s own inner experiences is shaped and reinforced over time through different people, situations, and environments.

Families can have a big and lasting impact on how now, as adults, experiences of pain are being experienced and met.

The wound of self-compassion is the wound when we find it challenging to meet our inner experiences of pain with compassion, care, understanding, and appropriate actions.

The wound of self-compassion might stem from those messages we received in childhood and/or later in life. What is clear is that self-criticism, pretence, ignorance, and automatic distraction are not helpful in meeting pain. The pain of one’s own and the pain of others.

The wound of self-compassion is about acknowledging the wounding. And learning how to meet the wounding compassionately.

Self-compassion offers ways to meet and connect in ways that are ultimately beneficial.

More to follow in part II.

Heike Hollerung https://www.mindful-therapy-and-learning.com